Ideally before you start this work, check in on your client’s Domain Profile, Vision and Values.
Here’s a simple and effective tool for living a great life. A life that is rich and meaningful. A life that matters. Basically doing what matters with the people that matter in a values based way. Psychologists call this the ACT matrix.
So let’s start by thinking about the goals and values that matter to you. What we want our life to be about.
Now starting in the bottom right quadrant…write down who’s important and what’s important in your life. These are internal things only you could tell me about. They can be both goals like an Olympic medal, getting married, having a successful career…or values like learning, fun, mastery, challenge, achievement, curiosity, or courage.
Here’s where it gets interesting…The things that bring us such joy…like our sporting career, uni, our best friend or our teammates…also bring us tough feelings, thoughts and memories. Basically we worry about things we care about, we get angry when things don’t live up to our high standards and we all crave being liked and loved. So write down some of the most common feelings, thoughts and memories that get triggered when trying to achieve your goals and values.
Now let’s jump up above the line…let’s look at what you DO…your behaviours that move you away from your values and goals. Quite simply, what do you do when those tough thoughts and feelings below show up. Often this is when we are on autopilot…these behaviours might bring us short term relief (like eating a tub of ice-cream…or distracting ourselves on social media…) but we know deep down aren’t what we want to be doing. These behaviours sabotage our goals and aren’t in alignment to who we are…our values.
So…let’s take a moment to simply write down in the last quadrant what you do (or not do) when you’re at your best…What actions move you towards your goals and behaviours. Generally this means you are prioritising the important things. Perhaps reflect on the people and things that matter below…What actions do I do or need to take to nurture these?
The challenge is this…when you do the things that matter (like talking up in team meetings, studying, eating well, telling your parents you don’t want to be a Doctor…) the tough feelings (bottom left) often get louder. This is the critical point…to have a rich and meaningful life we need to learn to make room for these tough emotions by accepting them…and not acting in ways that get rid of them. These behaviours sabotage us.
So in summary, we worry about things we care about, we get angry when we don't meet our standards, we avoid things that make us scared. To have a rich and meaningful life, you simply need to connect to your goals and values and execute the behaviours that matter regardless of how you feel. It's not about feeling good... it's about acting good. It’s not about short term comfort but long term fulfilment. Ultimately, it’s about accepting that we all feel strong emotions and that's normal and healthy... success in any domain of life is about embracing these emotions but not acting on them...rather it’s doing what matters
Bottom Right:
Hooks:
Away moves:
Towards moves: