Behaviours & The Matrix

Coaching Notes

Ideally before you start this work, check in on your client’s Domain Profile, Vision and Values.

Here’s a simple and effective tool for living a great life. A life that is rich and meaningful. A life that matters. Basically doing what matters with the people that matter in a values based way. Psychologists call this the ACT matrix.

So let’s start by thinking about the goals and values that matter to you. What we want our life to be about.

Now starting in the bottom right quadrant…write down who’s important and what’s important in your life. These are internal things only you could tell me about. They can be both goals like an Olympic medal, getting married, having a successful career…or values like learning, fun, mastery, challenge, achievement, curiosity, or courage.

Here’s where it gets interesting…The things that bring us such joy…like our sporting career, uni, our best friend or our teammates…also bring us tough feelings, thoughts and memories. Basically we worry about things we care about, we get angry when things don’t live up to our high standards and we all crave being liked and loved. So write down some of the most common feelings, thoughts and memories that get triggered when trying to achieve your goals and values.

Now let’s jump up above the line…let’s look at what you DO…your behaviours that move you away from your values and goals. Quite simply, what do you do when those tough thoughts and feelings below show up. Often this is when we are on autopilot…these behaviours might bring us short term relief (like eating a tub of ice-cream…or distracting ourselves on social media…) but we know deep down aren’t what we want to be doing. These behaviours sabotage our goals and aren’t in alignment to who we are…our values.

So…let’s take a moment to simply write down in the last quadrant what you do (or not do) when you’re at your best…What actions move you towards your goals and behaviours. Generally this means you are prioritising the important things. Perhaps reflect on the people and things that matter below…What actions do I do or need to take to nurture these?

The challenge is this…when you do the things that matter (like talking up in team meetings, studying, eating well, telling your parents you don’t want to be a Doctor…) the tough feelings (bottom left) often get louder. This is the critical point…to have a rich and meaningful life we need to learn to make room for these tough emotions by accepting them…and not acting in ways that get rid of them. These behaviours sabotage us.

So in summary, we worry about things we care about, we get angry when we don't meet our standards, we avoid things that make us scared. To have a rich and meaningful life, you simply need to connect to your goals and values and execute the behaviours that matter regardless of how you feel. It's not about feeling good... it's about acting good. It’s not about short term comfort but long term fulfilment. Ultimately, it’s about accepting that we all feel strong emotions and that's normal and healthy... success in any domain of life is about embracing these emotions but not acting on them...rather it’s doing what matters

Additional Matrix questions/prompts/notes (by quadrant)

Bottom Right:

• Who is important to you? Is anyone missing? Self?
• What is important to you?
• I try not to offer too many examples so then people can use their own.
• It's important for clients to use their own language
• Is there anything else you’d like to add?

Hooks:

• Things that we love, that bring such joy, fulfillment and satisfaction can also bring really tough experiences too.
• What holds you back from being the best version of yourself?
• Or actively pulls you away?
• What else?
• Be a specific as possible. Use your own language.
• If a thought is offered, as for the emotion too.
• If an emotion is offered, as for the thoughts associated with that emotion.

Away moves:

• What do you do or not do because of the internal stuff below?
• What do you do to get rid of these experiences or to prevent them from showing up in the first place?
• How do I know that if I’m observing you?
• What is the long/short term impact of that?

Towards moves:

• Connecting back to the who and what matters below... What do you do or not do when your being your best version of yourself.
• Be specific about actions and when or with whom they will occur.
• Remember - this quadrant is the list of behaviours that bring your values to life in the High Performance Model.
• Relationship between towards and away internal -diagonal
• What is the long/short term impact of that?